Goodbye My Baby

It’s raining again. This is not what I need today.

I don’t want to feel the lump in my throat anymore. I don’t want to pretend I don’t feel well, so I can hide in my room and breakdown on my own. I don’t want my family to worry about me, and wonder if I will get over this. . . I wonder when I will get over this.

I don’t talk much anymore for fear the tears will escape. I just smile and numbly move through the day as I have for weeks now. Everytime I lose out to my emotions, I pray it’s the last time. But the rain comes again, and again.

I’m supposed to leave to see family today. It’s going to have to wait one more day. I am not ready to face those who can read me too easily. I can’t explain to anyone what I feel. It’s not possible. The truth is too painful.

There was no real goodbye. Maybe it wouldv’e helped to hold you, even for a moment, to feel that it all really happened. That is was real. That you were real, and you could see me with your own eyes and feel the love I have for you.

This time there are no choices to make. It’s time to say goodbye and face life again.

I woke up to the happy sounds of my other babies that I can touch and hold, and I never want to let them go. The unconditional love they show me is amazing, and I know looking in those innocent blue eyes, that I will be able to let go of one that was not meant to be.

Life is too precious and I will not take anything for granted. Even the pain. It’s all necessary. I had not allowed myself to feel this before, and now there is nothing I don’t feel with my whole being. Yes, it hurts, (a lot), but how will I recognize joy if I haven’t felt the sorrow.

I have learned so much from you, my baby, and you will always be with me. For now we need to say goodbye, and let time heal the wounds.

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2 Responses to Goodbye My Baby

  1. Autum says:

    This is so powerful and moving. I’m so sorry for your loss and my heart aches for you reading your words. They are as beautiful as they are heartbreaking. Hugs!!

  2. kspin says:

    I’ve only just been able to read this post since writing it. Somehow writing it down helps.

    Thank you.

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