It’s raining again. This is not what I need today.
I don’t want to feel the lump in my throat anymore. I don’t want to pretend I don’t feel well, so I can hide in my room and breakdown on my own. I don’t want my family to worry about me, and wonder if I will get over this. . . I wonder when I will get over this.
I don’t talk much anymore for fear the tears will escape. I just smile and numbly move through the day as I have for weeks now. Everytime I lose out to my emotions, I pray it’s the last time. But the rain comes again, and again.
I’m supposed to leave to see family today. It’s going to have to wait one more day. I am not ready to face those who can read me too easily. I can’t explain to anyone what I feel. It’s not possible. The truth is too painful.
There was no real goodbye. Maybe it wouldv’e helped to hold you, even for a moment, to feel that it all really happened. That is was real. That you were real, and you could see me with your own eyes and feel the love I have for you.
This time there are no choices to make. It’s time to say goodbye and face life again.
I woke up to the happy sounds of my other babies that I can touch and hold, and I never want to let them go. The unconditional love they show me is amazing, and I know looking in those innocent blue eyes, that I will be able to let go of one that was not meant to be.
Life is too precious and I will not take anything for granted. Even the pain. It’s all necessary. I had not allowed myself to feel this before, and now there is nothing I don’t feel with my whole being. Yes, it hurts, (a lot), but how will I recognize joy if I haven’t felt the sorrow.
I have learned so much from you, my baby, and you will always be with me. For now we need to say goodbye, and let time heal the wounds.