I had the worst run, but the best day I have had for a while now.
For the last few weeks I have been going through my days trying to be the happy, ever optimistic person that I am (at least hope I still am) but lately even smiling has been a task. This is not me. I’m the one who encourages others to get out and try something new, the motivator, or at the very least the person who is always available to listen. I give my time, my energy and my love to those I care about, and it’s is a role I cherish. Of course it’s unsettling at best to feel this way and I have been pushing myself to get to the bottom of things– to figure out when it started and how to ‘fix’ myself.
I shouldn’t be surprised that I am depressed. This fall has been difficult, tragic even, and I have suffered losses that I wouldn’t admit affected me. I tried to self-talk my way into thinking I was alright and had put things behind me, but I found out that sooner or later you have to grieve. I think I have been slowly coming to terms with everything I’ve been through, but the hardest part has been wondering ‘where is the k for me?’. Where is the friend to pick me up, brush me off and get me ‘out there’ again? I have been reaching and . . . nothing. It makes me wonder, who cheers for the cheerleaders? It is not any fault of those around me; I haven’t ever needed anything (or at least acted that way), and it’s hard to know how to ask for help.
I went out yesterday with a new running partner and after about 5 miles I broke away to finish the last 5 on my own. I needed to be alone with my music and thoughts on this super-overcast and gray day, and I was wanting to push myself a little harder. On mile 7, I headed down a quiet farm road and my thoughts were streaming pretty fast. As I reached the end, I felt as if I were having an asthma attack or that I was hyperventillating. It took only seconds to realize what that lump was in my throat, and a not-so-small breakdown ensued. Who knew that Lovestoned was a sad song? I saw a stray dog staring at me and I actually wanted it to come and bite me. I just stood there staring at him, sobbing, and I welcomed the pain in my heart.
Walking back down the road that I now know is called Sherry Road, I realized two things: 1) I really need to rethink my playlist as the next few songs were just as sad, and 2) that I have not allowed myself to feel much of anything for a long time. In this ‘cheerleader’ role I’ve chosen, I couldn’t be effective if I ever had needs and ‘down’ days. So I chose not to. I could recover fairly quickly from all of the problems this life has to offer, and I would be right back to my ‘perky’ self.
I want that girl back. The one who is vibrant, confident and never gets hurt. I know this is impossible right now as much has changed. I have to tell myself that good things will come of this. I will be stronger, a better advocate for myself, and just as important, a better spouse, friend and parent. I also know that I am meant to be happy again. I have to be. I’m k.
I have been giving a little of myself here and there for a long time. This time I gave too much and there was nothing left of me. Is it fair to ask for ‘me’ back? I don’t think so.
I’m still angry that it has taken months of being on this emotional roller coaster to realize that I will get over this, and I feel the need to blame someone. . . so damn you Justin Timberlake!