Flashback Post For Flashback Feelings…

*old post from Dec. 2007*

 

I had the worst run, but the best day I have had for a while now.

For the last few weeks I have been going through my days trying to be the happy, ever optimistic person that I am (at least hope I still am) but lately even smiling has been a task. This is not me. I’m the one who encourages others to get out and try something new, the motivator, or at the very least the person who is always available to listen. I give my time, my energy and my love to those I care about, and it’s is a role I cherish. Of course it’s unsettling at best to feel this way and I have been pushing myself to get to the bottom of things– to figure out when it started and how to ‘fix’ myself.

I shouldn’t be surprised that I am depressed. This fall has been difficult, tragic even, and I have suffered losses that I wouldn’t admit affected me. I tried to self-talk my way into thinking I was alright and had put things behind me, but I found out that sooner or later you have to grieve. I think I have been slowly coming to terms with everything I’ve been through, but the hardest part has been wondering ‘where is the k for me?’. Where is the friend to pick me up, brush me off and get me ‘out there’ again? I have been reaching and . . . nothing. It makes me wonder, who cheers for the cheerleaders? It is not any fault of those around me; I haven’t ever needed anything (or at least acted that way), and it’s hard to know how to ask for help.

I went out yesterday with a new running partner and after about 5 miles I broke away to finish the last 5 on my own. I needed to be alone with my music and thoughts on this super-overcast and gray day, and I was wanting to push myself a little harder. On mile 7, I headed down a quiet farm road and my thoughts were streaming pretty fast. As I reached the end, I felt as if I were having an asthma attack or that I was hyperventillating. It took only seconds to realize what that lump was in my throat, and a not-so-small breakdown ensued. Who knew that Lovestoned was a sad song? I saw a stray dog staring at me and I actually wanted it to come and bite me. I just stood there staring at him, sobbing, and I welcomed the pain in my heart.

Walking back down the road that I now know is called Sherry Road, I realized two things: 1) I really need to rethink my playlist as the next few songs were just as sad, and 2) that I have not allowed myself to feel much of anything for a long time. In this ‘cheerleader’ role I’ve chosen, I couldn’t be effective if I ever had needs and ‘down’ days. So I chose not to. I could recover fairly quickly from all of the problems this life has to offer, and I would be right back to my ‘perky’ self.

I want that girl back. The one who is vibrant, confident and never gets hurt. I know this is impossible right now as much has changed. I have to tell myself that good things will come of this. I will be stronger, a better advocate for myself, and just as important, a better spouse, friend and parent. I also know that I am meant to be happy again. I have to be. I’m k.

I have been giving a little of myself here and there for a long time. This time I gave too much and there was nothing left of me. Is it fair to ask for ‘me’ back? I don’t think so.

I’m still angry that it has taken months of being on this emotional roller coaster to realize that I will get over this, and I feel the need to blame someone. . . so damn you Justin Timberlake!

Advertisements
This entry was posted in coping, music, running, thoughts and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Flashback Post For Flashback Feelings…

  1. Sister Sassy says:

    hmmmm, I’m glad I’m not stupid and realized that this was a flash back post. I was wringing my hands and wondering what was going on…I think this was before I found you.

    I understand the cheer leader thing though- I am one myself. I’m lucky that I have my bff – I know she loves me no matter what, always has and always will. In a way she has always been my rock and has kept me going when I didn’t want to keep going. Just knowing she exists.

    If you are having these flash back feelings- don’t they suck? I’ve been strugling to over come a huge thing in my life- and sometimes I feel free but really I just came to realize I was expending all my energy keeping the feelings at bay. I wasn’t free. It left me drained, a simple irritated voice directed at me would undo me. I spent so much emotional energy trying to control the Big Bad that was hovering, I had nothing left.

    But I did find someone to blame, isn’t funny? You need that. You need to know everything wasn’t your fault, your responsibilty. You need someone to help share the burden of life with you-or I did.

    And my comment here could have been a post on its own.

    Take care of you K-spin…and you know what? I’m a dork and I tend to write cheers for my friend when they’re down. So are you ready for the perfect cheer??

    She’s spunky, she’s fun
    she’s always on the run
    She’s clever and sweet
    Watch the pavement hit her feet

    She’s kspin and she’s great
    she’s a girl I’d like to date (if I liked girls-it rhymed)

    Running is her game
    blogging brought her fame
    Now she’s got a stalker
    good thing she can out walk her

    Go Kspin Go Kspin GO GO GO KSPIN! YAY!

    I think that was prob my lamest cheer- I usually spend time composing it, and remember – you have to CHEER it at the mirror.

  2. sperlygirl says:

    i understand ‘flashback’ feelings…hang in there. it will pass – just take good care of you. 🙂

  3. Sister sassy says:

    I’m having commenter’s remorse. I wrote a book!

  4. kspin says:

    Love your book Sassy…no worries! You are a great cheer-leader and I feel honored to have a good friend like you stalking, I mean checking up on me! 😉 Your cheer really made me smile!

    Sometimes I forget to let go and then the past catches me off-guard. Just one of those sucky times I guess!

    Sperlygirl-I’m hoping that it passes quickly, thanks for your thoughts…

  5. bookbabie says:

    Funny, I was just thinking the same thing yesterday. I’m always doing the cheerleading thing, especially in my family. I’m also the “one” to take care of things (like aging parents). My husband is that “one” in his family too. So we really feel squeezed and alone sometimes. We had a minor breakdown ourselves on Sunday and took things out on one another. We knew what was happening but we couldn’t stop our renegade emotions. There should a resort for overwhelmed people. A place with no phones, therapists, and plenty of wine!

  6. Ann says:

    Here I haven’t been visiting bc I didn’t think you were posting at all while on vacation, and you have been! It took me a lot of years and a lot of pain to stop being the ray of sunshine and the “strong one” in everyone’s lives. The dam finally broke and I almost waited too long; luckily, there was still enough left of me to rebuild – but WHAT a project it was.

    I hope you find your way, whatever form it takes.

    Btw, JUST finished Eat, Pray, Love. LOVED IT. LOVE, love, LOVED it.

  7. kspin says:

    I don’t think it’s a coincidence that my blogging friends are a lot like me. It seems we all have things to share and learn from and I’m grateful for every single one of you. Even the silent ones…

    Bookbabie-I think I’m ready for that resort! Or at least the therapist. I had no doubt that you were a cheerleader as well. I may have made some poor judgments, but I’m an excellent judge of character! You are an amazing woman who willingly shares her wisdom and I thank you.

    Ann-Luckily I have many ‘in-tune’ people (like you) around me who are great listeners as well as realist who would never let me get lost too long. I am just starting the project of me and I’m a little scared, but SO ready to move on…and start over.

    I swear that book helped me! So many truths in it and I think reading it was my ‘aha’ moment to change some things. So glad you loved it too!

  8. This is so strange. There really must be a heavy cloud of funk hanging over the blogosphere because I’ve been feeling this way too and posted about it. So have a few others.

    I really hope we ALL pull out of this soon. *hugs*

    K-I have noticed that too. I like your ‘cloud of funk’ idea…so true. Hope you are feeling better soon…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s