Shaking It Off…

Wow. I’m home from my long trip and finally have a chance to write and play online to my hearts desire, and I have a complete meltdown and post an old depressing post. Bad. Timing.

I’m sure it mostly has to do with the fact that I took 6 full weeks away, spent every single day with family, and then had the pleasure torture of driving 12 hours with three kids and a grandma back home. Oh, and of course the 5 bags to unpack, my daughter starting school the day after we got home and jumping headfirst into the stay at home mom role again all helped with the not so fun reality check.

I apologize to all of you for making my first post back home such a downer yesterday. I’m still a little heart-sick today, but I got a full night’s sleep and some much needed snuggles that lifted the clouds a little…

I’ve been thinking too much of the past lately and a friend encouraged me today “not to forget the past, but to make sure to enjoy the now”. I have been trying to do that for a some time now, and while most of the time it works, and sometimes the sadness creeps up on me all over again.

The time has come to admit that I can no longer go this alone. As in I need professional help. I have a veryclear picture of what I want to happen, and I am very motivated to make it all work, so now I just need that extra guidance to help me get there. That and a lot of prayer!

I have known this for a while and tried to convince myself that I was doing better, but after leaving the security of my parent’s house all of the old doubt and confusion sneaked it’s way back into my world. Not so fun, but it helped me realize that this problem is bigger than me and I’m not one to sit by and let it eat at me some more!

So, from now on I will try not to look to the past, but keep my eyes and heart going forward to something even better.

…except for this next little while as I catch you all up on my Utah/Oregon adventures! I do have lots toshare! Here is a short little list of some of the summer madness that you may be reading about soon:

  • spent a weekend in Zion’s National Park with almost the entire family + 2
  • went to two family reunions and saw literally over 100 relatives
  • drove the entire coastline of Oregon with 17 family members
  • went to three different parades (kids don’t want to see anymore for a long time!)
  • went to one wedding
  • swam at 6 different pools and 2 different beaches
  • stayed at my parents house for 5 entire weeks (lots to discuss there)
  • explored the Redwood forest as well as the town were Goonies was filmed
  • spent countless hours gardening, playing and relaxing
  • celebrated Big M’s birthday
  • celebrated my 10 year anniversary (solo)

Of course not all of the trip was that great. I did have to be a single mom with three kids, which was super exhausting. I did ruin a friendship that meant a lot to me by trusting the words of a stranger (something I desperately wish I could change). I was once again reminded that someone I care about is in a truly abusive marriage and that she is in full denial mode. (very frustrating)

Though I had to deal with these stressful tidbits, I had a wonderful summer and made some incredible memories! Now I’m home and am ready to recreate K. I want my kids to feel like their home is a safe haven and a place of comfort and peace like I do when I go home. I know I need to be comfortable in my own home for them to feel this way and I’m willing to do everything in my control to make it happen.

This afternoon as I was trying to distract myself, I went back through some of the millions of pictures I took while I was away and found this one of Pitter Patter trying to float for the first time. He looked so calm and free and I found myself going back to view it again and again.

How he looks is how I want to feel. Calm. Free. Protected. Isn’t this what everyone is searching for? I know I’m not the only one who has taken the road I’m now traveling on, and that thought has been the source of strength for me to keep pushing.

I know that changes won’t be instant, and I’m hoping that all of my parenting experience will help me to be patient while time passes and I become more and more of the person I know that I can be. I feel like this is my defining moment in life to overcome this ‘test’ of sorts.

I’ve never been the most studious, but that was before I was given the best gift of my life… my family.

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10 Responses to Shaking It Off…

  1. Sister Sassy says:

    I love the shot of Pitter Patter- so cute!

    And we have your back on the prayer front 😉 all my thoughts and hugs and any sage advice I could possibly have is always at your disposal. Just let me know.

    Sounds like the trip was a good time. I used to experience the same thing. I’d go spend a week with my mom, then come home with the kids to find that EVERY single dish was dirty. I was alone in my town, no friends and stuck inside in a place I didn’t fit. It sucked BIG TIME! So feeling down is natural.

    And 5 bags to unpack is just overwhelming! Sympathy to you. I still have a partially packed bag sitting on my floor from July 4th weekend!

    Glad to have you back!

    K-Now I feel like I am back! It’s only taken a week! 😉 Thanks for all of your help in this…couldn’t do it without friends like you! Still unpacking too…never ending!

  2. I love the picture.

    Admitting you need help does not mean that you are weak. I think it is a good decision that you have reached that place.

    And, I think I might have been depressed too after all that fun…and not fun of your summer adventures. Kudos for you, in realizing what it is you need to do. Now, go do it. sounds easy, right?

    K-I’m sure part of my problem was just vacation letdown, but I think I needed that to get my resolve back. I do feel stronger knowing that I have a gameplan (and appt.) and if that alone has helped me so far, then I can’t wait to see what else is going to change.

  3. Sleepyjane says:

    So happy that you’re back K! 🙂 Know that you have lots of people rooting for you and we’re all here! 🙂 Should you need us. {{hugs}}

    K-you know, I can feel you all rooting for me. I think that’s why I haven’t completely given up hope. Thanks for all the good vibes!

  4. Andie says:

    Didn’t someone famous say some thing about if you don’t learn from the past your doomed to repeat it again until you do? I don’t know, something like that. Any way, its good to know we have the power to heal ourselves and the power to know when we need help to do so.
    The fact that you are searching and trying to find answers is brilliant and in my opinion, will lead you to were you want to be all that much quicker.

    Hugs and hugs,
    a.

    K-I’m so done repeating! I think I finally learned my lesson this time and yes, the quicker the better to fix it please!

    *the hugs help, thanks*

  5. jspin says:

    As an authorized representative of your family, you should know your family’s feelings on this matter. They are as follows:

    1)The best gift in our life is you.
    2)YOU ARE our home, comfort, and safe haven.
    3)You don’t have any tests to pass with us.
    4)There is, never has been, and never could be any ‘us’ without you.

    Love,

    J

    K-Thank you. This is the nicest, most thoughtful thing I have read in a long time…I love you.

  6. tenacioustimothy says:

    Sounds like a great if sometimes frustrating trip with lots of discovery which is always a good thing:-) Good to see you back and best of luck working things out!

    K-Yes, overall it was all great! Thanks for the encouragement!

  7. bookbabie says:

    “Well,” said Pooh, “what I like best,” and then he had to stop and think. Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn’t know what it was called. ~A.A. Milne

    I hope you find that moment K, and when you do I wouldn’t mind if you tossed a little my way;)

    K-I love this and I do feel like I’m on the verge of that moment. It’s been a long time coming and I’m very ready.

    You know I will share the love…

  8. It’s amazing the emotions that trips can bring to the surface. Arriving back to reality is often the hardest part for me. Sounds like your trip was good overall. I am very sorry to hear about your friend. Big *hugs* to you. I’m always here to support you.

    K-I think it’s pretty amazing that people in the blogging world show such great support for one another. Thanks for being someone who looks out for her friends wether they are in person or online! 🙂 I’m feeling that funk slowly dispersing…

  9. I wish you the best of luck in your adventure to find the happy now. I think it’s something we all strive for and there is nothing wrong with getting professional help.

    Once you get settled in, your bags unpacked, your daughter’s school routine and the rest of the kids settled, it won’t look as funky and then you’ll be able to re-evaluate yourself in a more positive light.

    Let me say though that I am glad you are back home and now I’ll be able to enjoy your post on a more regular basis. (Oh, how selfish of me) ❤

    K-You don’t know how right you were with this comment. I’m getting back to the positive side fairly quickly and believe me, I’m happy to be home too! So glad that my posts get read! When nothing else works, comments from my readers ALWAYS cheer me up! Thanks!

  10. Alex says:

    I found your site on technorati and read a few of your other posts. Keep up the good work. I just added your RSS feed to my Google News Reader. Looking forward to reading more from you down the road!

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