Wow. I’m home from my long trip and finally have a chance to write and play online to my hearts desire, and I have a complete meltdown and post an old depressing post. Bad. Timing.
I’m sure it mostly has to do with the fact that I took 6 full weeks away, spent every single day with family, and then had the pleasure torture of driving 12 hours with three kids and a grandma back home. Oh, and of course the 5 bags to unpack, my daughter starting school the day after we got home and jumping headfirst into the stay at home mom role again all helped with the not so fun reality check.
I apologize to all of you for making my first post back home such a downer yesterday. I’m still a little heart-sick today, but I got a full night’s sleep and some much needed snuggles that lifted the clouds a little…
I’ve been thinking too much of the past lately and a friend encouraged me today “not to forget the past, but to make sure to enjoy the now”. I have been trying to do that for a some time now, and while most of the time it works, and sometimes the sadness creeps up on me all over again.
The time has come to admit that I can no longer go this alone. As in I need professional help. I have a veryclear picture of what I want to happen, and I am very motivated to make it all work, so now I just need that extra guidance to help me get there. That and a lot of prayer!
I have known this for a while and tried to convince myself that I was doing better, but after leaving the security of my parent’s house all of the old doubt and confusion sneaked it’s way back into my world. Not so fun, but it helped me realize that this problem is bigger than me and I’m not one to sit by and let it eat at me some more!
So, from now on I will try not to look to the past, but keep my eyes and heart going forward to something even better.
…except for this next little while as I catch you all up on my Utah/Oregon adventures! I do have lots toshare! Here is a short little list of some of the summer madness that you may be reading about soon:
- spent a weekend in Zion’s National Park with almost the entire family + 2
- went to two family reunions and saw literally over 100 relatives
- drove the entire coastline of Oregon with 17 family members
- went to three different parades (kids don’t want to see anymore for a long time!)
- went to one wedding
- swam at 6 different pools and 2 different beaches
- stayed at my parents house for 5 entire weeks (lots to discuss there)
- explored the Redwood forest as well as the town were Goonies was filmed
- spent countless hours gardening, playing and relaxing
- celebrated Big M’s birthday
- celebrated my 10 year anniversary (solo)
Of course not all of the trip was that great. I did have to be a single mom with three kids, which was super exhausting. I did ruin a friendship that meant a lot to me by trusting the words of a stranger (something I desperately wish I could change). I was once again reminded that someone I care about is in a truly abusive marriage and that she is in full denial mode. (very frustrating)
Though I had to deal with these stressful tidbits, I had a wonderful summer and made some incredible memories! Now I’m home and am ready to recreate K. I want my kids to feel like their home is a safe haven and a place of comfort and peace like I do when I go home. I know I need to be comfortable in my own home for them to feel this way and I’m willing to do everything in my control to make it happen.
This afternoon as I was trying to distract myself, I went back through some of the millions of pictures I took while I was away and found this one of Pitter Patter trying to float for the first time. He looked so calm and free and I found myself going back to view it again and again.
How he looks is how I want to feel. Calm. Free. Protected. Isn’t this what everyone is searching for? I know I’m not the only one who has taken the road I’m now traveling on, and that thought has been the source of strength for me to keep pushing.
I know that changes won’t be instant, and I’m hoping that all of my parenting experience will help me to be patient while time passes and I become more and more of the person I know that I can be. I feel like this is my defining moment in life to overcome this ‘test’ of sorts.
I’ve never been the most studious, but that was before I was given the best gift of my life… my family.