One afternoon last September as I was sitting in the passenger seat of our car next to my husband, I remember hearing this song for the first time. I had just had what would be the first of three ultrasounds. Though no one would give us any information, we knew what was going on…we had been there before 8 years ago.
Neither J nor I barely said a word during the long drive home. In the silence it was easy to hear every lyric of that song that seemed to have been written just for that moment. I remember feeling grateful for our three beautiful children at home, but an overwhelming sadness came over me. J must have felt the same because he reached for my hand and the tears flowed from both of us.
I still didn’t say much though I had so much on my mind. I don’t know why I couldn’t speak my feelings out loud like I usually would have. That seemed to be the start of a very private period for me where I ceased to share myself with those around me. Looking back I thought that I was protecting them, but instead all it seemed to do was make me feel lonely and confused. I also started making choices that I felt only affected me. I was very wrong.
The stable existence that I was so used to living was becoming a roller coaster of emotion. I felt torn in many directions most of the time and though I knew why, I wasn’t sure how to get off this ride I had boarded. I kept wishing for my luck to change as if the situation was something out of my control.
For some reason I kept subjecting myself to pain thinking that magically somehow things would be different. Through many tough conversations and self-realizations I began to understand that I could be in control of my happiness and change the circumstances. The hard part was knowing what it was that I wanted in the end.
Eventually, I knew what I needed to do to get on track and I had to put everything on the line to do just that. Though I did see it through, there had not been one day that I didn’t feel like there was a gaping hole in my heart. I had done the right thing, yet the pain and hurt wouldn’t leave me…until 3 days ago.
It turns out that luck had nothing to do with it. I needed to be 100% open and honest with those closest to me as well as myself and admit that I did make mistakes, but that I was only human and it was time to let go of the guilt. I had to stop living in fear of the future and seek out those who could truly help.
Making the decision to take that step took such a burden off of my shoulders. Now not only do I have my resolve, but a game plan and the love and support of those who mean the most to me. I also had to have a change of heart. I vowed to always share without fear and to never let myself go down that path again.
Being able to talk openly about my struggles has not only been empowering, but it has brought me closer to Jspin and my children. Having to put my trust in someone else was something that I wasn’t sure I could do. I can be seriously stubborn…I swear! So. Dumb. Now there are no secrets. No independant struggles. We can be a true team.
Yesterday I heard that beautiful song again. The feelings it evoked were so drastically different from the sad and helpless ones it had always held for me before. I now felt hope, encouragement and I knew that indeed the hardest part was over…